Prevention: Big Brothers Big Sisters

One of the things I want to stress on this blog is ways the average person can be involved in the preventative aspect of human trafficking.  As Ben Franklin said, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."  With that in mind, this post will be highlighting the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization.

 

BBBS is a non-profit organization that seeks to pair adult mentors with children who need them. Their general focus is children living in higher risk situations, such as single-parent homes or children of incarcerated parents. The program seems to be quite successful at building confidence in kids.  As noted on their website:

Researchers found that after 18 months of spending time with their Bigs, the Little Brothers and Little Sisters, compared to those children not in our program, were:

• 46% less likely to begin using illegal drugs
• 27% less likely to begin using alcohol
• 52% less likely to skip school
• 37% less likely to skip a class
• 33% less likely to hit someone

So what does this have to do with the prevention of sex-trafficking of minors?  Well, the most at-risk kids in the United States are those living in less-stable home environments.  Children who have less stability are more likely to run away or be lured in by someone pretending to offer love but who are really intent on using them.  Having a stable, loving, trusted adult in a child's life may be the things that keeps him or her from running away; and even if they do run away or get caught in some form of trafficking, the knowledge that there is a stable, loving, trusted adult still waiting for back home can help bring about restoration.

With that in mind, I interviewed one of my bloggy friends, A.C., who has been doing BBBS for 5 years.  Here's a sample of her experience, in case you're thinking of becoming a Big.  Enjoy!

R.A.: How long have you been involved with BBBS?

A.C.: I have been involved with BBBS since March of 2007. My little and I met and became officially matched on March 5 - so tomorrow marks our 5-year "anniversary"!

R.A.: Have you always had the same Little Sister?

A.C.:I have always had the same little. After I went through the application and screening processes, I was given files for two young girls. In a way it was a tough decision... but not too tough. On paper, the other little girl was a "better" fit - an easier fit. We had more things in common and it seemed like she maybe had a less complicated home life. Still, I knew Amber was the one and in less than 20 minutes I told the case manager my decision. I met her in person the next week and the rest is history. =)

R.A.: Have you volunteered with the organization in ways other than being a Big Sister?

A.C.: I served as a board member for BBBS from July 2007 - January 2012. The past two years I served as secretary and finally as Vice President. I also served on various committees and event planning teams.

.:I always knew I wanted a lasting match but it's sort of unreal that we've made it this far:.

R.A.: What made you first want to do the Big Brothers Big Sisters program?

A.C.: I think I first got the idea in college. I'm an only child and thought it would be cool to be a big sister. I didn't get involved in college because I knew I wanted a lasting match and I wouldn't be able to provide that during that time. So once I got married and settled I e-mailed the director for more information. I was a little nervous about the whole thing but once she explained the great need of our community, (there's always kids on a list waiting for Bigs) I knew I had to get involved.

R.A.: Were you nervous when you first started mentoring Amber?

A.C.: I was absolutely nervous. Amber was a third grader at the time and I didn't have a whole lot of experience with kids. She didn't talk to me much at all so getting to know her was difficult. I thought maybe I wasn't cut out for it or that we weren't a good fit. I struggled to think of things to do.

R.A.: In what ways has being a Big Sister met or matched your expectations of what it would be like?

A.C.: I think in the most basic ways it's met my expectations. We hang out, I buy her a Christmas gift, I help her with her homework, we go to the movies... I'm not sure I thought much past that.

R.A.: In what ways has it differed?

A.C.: To be honest, I guess I didn't really know what to expect. Our relationship has kind of blown my mind. The fact that we are still matched amazes me. I always knew I wanted a lasting match but it's sort of unreal that we've made it this far. I think at first, I spent my time on one of two ends of the spectrum. 1) This is great! Everything is rainbows, puppies, and chocolate chip cookies!! or 2) This is so hard - what was I thinking? In reality, like with most things, we fall in the middle of that line. We've had some pretty rough times and some pretty stinkin' awesome times. Just like with every other relationship I've ever had now that I think about it! =)

R.A.: What sorts of things do you do with Amber?

A.C.:When she was younger, we did a lot of arts/crafts-type things and I'd read to her quite a bit.  We've gone swimming, walked my dog, went to movies, had a slumber party, went shopping, made dinner together, baked cookies, I help her with her homework some, rented movies, painted our nails, gone out to eat, play games, etc... but honestly - what we normally do is just hang out and chat... especially now that's she's older. She opens up a lot more to me now and we don't feel the need to constantly be doing something. She feels totally comfortable at my house and makes herself right at home. =)

R.A.: Do you interact much with her family or her teachers?  What is your role in helping her at school?

A.C.: I work at the school district where she attends so it's a slightly different situation that what other Bigs might go through. I don't communicate a whole lot with her teachers but have on occasion in the past. I know and am facebook friends with several of her family members. They are very supportive of our match and seem to be genuinely appreciative of the time I spend with her. As far as school help - I mostly just help her with homework on an as-needed-basis. I've told her plenty of times that if she ever needs help with a bigger project, etc... to let me know.

.:Since we've been matched, Amber has gone from failing to all A's and B's and is currently a nominee for our city's outstanding student of the year award:.

R.A.: How have you grown through being a Big Sister?

A.C.: I've grown in a number ways since the beginning of our match. My relationship with Amber has helped me get an inside look at other family dynamics and I can better understand situations that are different from mine now. She has taught me a lot of valuable lessons that I'm sure I'll pull from when I have kids of my own - I definitely feel a bit more prepared (and a bit more scared, ha!) for those pre-teen years. I've experienced a lot of pride as well as the upset that comes with loving someone, seeing a need, but feeling completely helpless. 

R.A.: How have you seen Amber grow since you began mentoring her?

A.C.: Where do I start!? =) When I first met Amber, she was shy, did not open up easily, when she did talk it was always about someone else and not herself, she lacked manners, confidence, self worth and really struggled with school and respecting authority. Now don't get me wrong, she wasn't a bad kid - she just had some challenges ahead of her. Since we've been matched, Amber has gone from failing to all A's and B's and is currently a nominee for our city's outstanding student of the year award. This is HUGE! Five years ago I never would have imagined. She gets along with her teachers and her parents more (as much as a 14-year old gets along with their parents, haha!) and has friends. She has a good head on her shoulders and is doing much better when it comes to respecting others. She values herself and has much more self confidence. She takes care of herself and smiles all the time. =) I certainly don't take credit for these things but I've loved seeing the changes.

R.A.: Would you/Will you do it again?

A.C.: I would definitely consider being a Big again. In BBBS, you can be officially matched with a child until they are 18 years old. As long as Amber is interested in being matched and as long as our situations allow us to be - I plan to be her Big until she graduates high school. That's crazy for me to think about! I'm sure we'll always keep in touch and have a relationship even after that. Once our match is complete - I don't know... I'll probably take a break for a while and then I think we might consider doing a couple or family match later on.

R.A.: What is the best part about being a Big Sister?

A.C.: Getting to know a great kid is the best part I think. We have different interests, different beliefs... but we can respect each other and be better people for having known each other. That's pretty cool! =)

R.A.: And now for some logisctical questions for those considering becoming a Big.  What is the weekly time commitment like? Monthly? Annual? Long-term?

A.C.: We started out seeing each other for 2-4 hours (usually 2) once a week. That's what is asked of you as a community match. There's an in-school program too that only requires 30-minutes per week. Last summer we started doing every other week. My schedule had gotten more hectic and Amber's getting older. I feel like that's been a positive because it's more like we're friends hanging out... not quite so scheduled and forced. She seems to have responded well to it. Sometimes we may only get an hour one week - maybe just long enough to chat over some ice cream. When that happens, I try to make up for it by spending half a day with her the next weekend or something.

R.A.: Is there any sort of financial commitment?

A.C.: No, there are no fees and in fact - you're encouraged to spend very little on your match. The focus is on spending quality time together and building a relationship. With that being said, I do buy Amber gifts (nothing extravagant but gifts none-the-less) and we go see movies every now and then, and get a coke or dinner together. Oh - and I guess I pay to have a stash of pencils at the house for homework nights!

RA.: The application process for any new venture can be intimidating. What can a person expect when applying to be a Big?

A.C.: The application process was thorough but simple. I filled out a few pages of paperwork (basic info about myself, what my interests are, what type of match I was interested in/preferred, what types of littles and/or situations I would NOT be comfortable with, etc...) They ran a background check on me and once I was cleared, I had a home visit. This wasn't the type of home visit you think of SRS doing... she didn't look around my house or anything... just wanted to see where I lived, meet who lived there with me, and ask me several questions about me and how I might respond in certain situations. I was nervous about that part but it was actually very laid back and I can certainly see how the questions help them make the best matches and placements. Also, I think it's important to note that when I first met my little - a case manager came with me to help facilitate the meeting and serve as a buffer. I think that's very helpful and kind of helps to take the pressure out. Basically - the process is thorough so there is some work and a time commitment involved but all-in-all, it's not bad, it's definitely nothing to be anxious about, and it's totally worth it! =)

.:It's not what you do - it's that you spend time together:.

R.A.: What would you say to someone considering becoming a BBBS mentor?

A.C.: I say go for it - but only if you are willing to commit. So many of these kids have people in and out of their lives all the time. They need stability! I can't emphasize enough how simple it is though. People tell me how nervous they are about thinking of things to do - because they're not creative, etc... don't worry about that! Kids are creative and they will help you find things to do! =) Like I said earlier, we rarely do anything exciting, expensive, or creative for that matter. It's not what you do - it's that you spend time together. Sometimes the "magic" happens when you're not doing anything - just sitting at a table together. We've shared so many laughs over a coke (Mountain Dew for her) at my kitchen table. It really is THAT easy.

If you would like to volunteer with BBBS please visit their website!

Changing Our Minds: The Problem with Blacks and Whores

Blacks are not fully evolved, and thus, not fully human.

Blacks are lazy and need someone to keep after them or they won't work.

Blacks are like lost children without their masters; they need to be taken care of.

Blacks are from the line of Cain and biblically deserve to be enslaved.

Blacks aren't smart enough to read...hold a job...be free. 

Blacks exist for whites.

Blacks like being slaves. 

I shudder as I type these sentences, as you probably do reading them.  Yet this was once the mentality of thousands of people throughout the United States.  These were all lies people told themselves to feel better about their greed and oppressive actions. And the whites who believed these lies so many years ago really believed them - to their core. I wanted to use the "N" word in those sentences, to make them powerful and punch you in the face while you read this post, but 150 years of fighting for the dignity and equality of a once dehumanized portion of our population has been bred into my bones until it is impossible for me to use such an offense word.  Because I really believe Blacks are fully human, they are not intrinsically lazy, they are not biblically mandated to be slaves, and they are equal in intelligence, skill, and worth.  For me, a 21st century white person, it is incomprehensible that people once saw the world differently.  The fight has been worth it.*

But now we face a new foe (or, rather, an old that has yet to be conquered).  That of The Whore.

Whores are dirty girls who like sex and deserve what they get.

Whores don't mind being used by 50 men a day - hell, they're whores.

Whores (as women) biblically must submit to men in all things, including sex.

Whores (as women) are like emotional children who need to be led by a non-emotional man.

Whores aren't smart enough to hold a job other than whoring. 

Whores are the problem; they tempted the men in the first place.

Whores (as women) exist for men.

Whores like prostituting.

If you don't believe that the above-listed mentalities exist - and strongly - then we're not gonna get far in this fight against sex trafficking.  Trafficking begins as a mentality.  A girl is a whore before she is ever forced into prostitution.  She's a whore in the eyes of the mother who blames her when her dad rapes her.   She's a whore in the eyes of her classmates when she becomes promiscuous at school.  She's a whore in the eyes of the woman whose husband chooses to look at her...hit on her...sleep with her.  It is my strong belief that any girl roped into trafficking (not kidnapped and physically forced as some are, but rather coerced and manipulated) has some extreme brokenness in her past.  Rape by an older brother.  Rape by a neighbor.  Physical abuse by her parents.  There is something disconnecting in her that allows her to stay in a place where she's used 50 times a day - because no healthy woman wants to have sex 50 times a day with potentially disease-ridden, often physically abusive men.

If I have not convinced you that our collective prejudice against "The Whore" is one of the bonds holding her in captivity, then why is a girl picked up by the cops 100 times and her pimp not once?  Because she's the problem.  She's the one giving her body to the john.  Forget the father who raped her, the trafficker who addicted her to drugs, or the pimp who threatens her with death if she tries to escape.  Or why when I went to an anti-trafficking fundraising dinner did they only raise $7,000 for a recovery home, when I've been to pro-life dinners that have raised $20,000?  Because we're still not sure these girls are worth saving...after all, they got themselves into this in the first place, right? **

Need more of an argument?  I went to a signature-gathering training this weekend for an initiative strengthening laws against traffickers.  Someone raised the question of why the initiative would only strengthen laws against traffickers and not against the johns.  Our speaker said she'd fought to have something written in about johns, but all of her legal counsel told her not to.  Why?  "Because as a society we're still not ready for that.  The john is still not seen as a bad guy and the girl is still seen as a whore.  Were we to write harsher laws for johns into our initiative, it would not be passed."  Whoa. Yes, in a way most of the U.S. doesn't understand, our problem is The Whore.  Earlier I said I couldn't even type the "N" word, because it is so offensive. Yet 150 years ago people would have thought that impossible.  My hope - my sometimes shy, wavering, timid hope - is that 150 years from now, "whore" will be an equally offensive word because of how it once meant the dehumanization of half our population.  Let's start changing our minds.  Let's start seeing "The Whore "as the victimized girl she really is and get her the proper aid she needs to live a healthy and fulfilled life.  Let's erase "whore" from our vocabulary and our mindset and start treating all people with respect and dignity.

-----

*This is not negating that racism still exists in our world.  It does.  Yet how far we've come from those days!

**Why, if we're going to turn our backs on them 13 years down the road, bother being pro-life when we know many of the children "saved" are going to be born into potentially abusive situations that will make them vulnerable to trafficking in the first place?  Why are we so shortsighted? At the risk of making all my conservative friends angry, if we are unwilling to change our minds about "The Whore" then I would almost rather see the poor things killed in the womb before they are later rejected by us noble folk who've worked so hard to give them a chance at "life". If we're going to be pro-life, we need to be willing to go all the way.

Preparation, Prevention, Restoration: Pray

(Note: if you're non-religious the things I say here may not mean much to you.  But please be kind about it!)

As a Christian, I believe prayer is the most important thing any of us can do ever.  It is in prayer we find peace, though the world rage around us.  It is in prayer we find direction when there are 100 voices telling us what to do.  And it is in prayer that we find a Loving Parent who listens, who loves, and who acts accordingly.  I believe that the work of abolition is ultimately God's.  We are called to contribute where we can, but as Jesus says, "Ask the Lord of the field to send workers into the field..."  We cannot do any of this on our own strength.  We need to ask God to go before us, to change minds, open hearts, break the locks off doors and the chains off feet.  We petition God and He prepares the way.  If you are religious and are interested in abolition work but are not praying about it...then how interested are you in it, really?  Do you believe God is bigger?  If you believe this, then you will be praying about the issue of human trafficking.  Prayer needs to be part of our process from beginning to end - from the time we first start thinking about human trafficking to the moment we're sitting across from a child who's just described the first time he or she was gang-raped.  Prayer prepares our hearts to handle the heaviness we're going to face as we learn more about what really goes on in trafficking circles.  Prayer sustains us when we're in the thick of it.  And prayer restores us when we've reached our own beds again at night, weary beyond words from the battle we've just fought.   Pray, pray, pray.  Prayer is our doorway to peace.

If you haven't had much experience praying, here are a few good books on the subject:

Andrew Murray, With Christ in the School of Prayer
Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart

Prevention: Education

Woops!  Sorry guys, this page is still under construction.  I didn't realize I hadn't completed it before launching the blog.  I'll get to it as soon as possible!

Education (kids and parents so they can provide for themselves [look for links like vocational training, tutoring, language acquisition, etc.)

Prevention: Sexual Abuse Awareness

An estimated 1 in 4 children is sexually abused, a number  that is both staggering and heartbreaking. Children who have been sexually abused are the most at-risk for being trafficked.  Since most abusers are someone close to the child, many children are afraid to or unable to speak about it.  It is our responsibility as adults not just to look out for sexual abuse victims, but to create a safe place for children to talk about it.  There are two organizations I know of that you might volunteer with:

1. Just Tell.  This organization encourages kids to speak up when they've been abused so they can get help and healing.
2. A Quarter Blue.  AQB is an organization that goes into the classroom and talks to students about sexual abuse.  The goal is to help empower kids who have been abused by letting them know they are not alone and by providing a safe person to talk with about it.   

Prevention: Youth Work

Who invested in you when you were in jr. high?  High school?  I'm sure you still remember words they spoke over you and time they took just for you. When we reach our adolescent years it is highly important we have people other than our parents taking time out for us.  Parent-child communication is often falling apart at this stage in our lives and to have other, trusted adults pouring in to us can be the link that holds us to reality when the fantasies of the world seem so alluring.  This can be especially important for a child in a bad home situation.  It seems to me mentoring youth is one of the key elements in preventing sex-trafficking of minor, so if you're willing to invest your life in some kids around you, here are a few ideas:

1. Youth Group.  If you go to church, you probably have a youth group.  Talk to the youth leader about what his or her volunteer needs are.  Ask what prayer needs they have and spend a few months in prayer over the group.  Then, when you're ready and the church has approved (most groups have some sort of application and background check process), jump in!  
2. Boys and Girls Club. Volunteering with and mentoring potentially at-risk youth.
3. Big Brother, Big Sister.  Volunteering with and mentoring potentially at-risk youth.
4. CASA. Court Appointed Special Advocate.  This is a great way to work with foster kids without going through the pain of foster parenting. From the website: "Volunteers get to know the child by talking with everyone in that child's life; parents and relatives, foster parents, teachers, medical professionals, attorneys, social workers and others. They use the information they gather to inform judges and others of what the child needs and what will be the best permanent home for them."  Working with CASA you may just be the person who gets a child out of an abusive foster home or prevents him or her from going back to a dangerous biological one.
5. Volunteer at your local jr. high or high school.
6. Be a friend. As simplistic as it sounds, be a friend to your friends' children, your younger cousins, your nieces and nephews, etc.  Abuse happens everywhere, even in the lives of those you may be closest to.  Keep your eyes, ears, and heart open to the kids around you and be a safe place they can come to if need be.

Prevention: Foster Care and Adoption

We've all heard the stats - in the United States the most likely victims of sex-trafficking are runaways and kids who've been pushed through the foster care system.  Though there is some debate about it, a simple Google search of "foster care and abuse" indicates that most studies show a higher rate of child abuse in foster homes than in the home of the biological family. A home environment, whether foster or biological, may be so bad that a child feels anything would be better than staying in the abusive situation.  In fact, one girl caught in the sex trade says that to this day she would choose the life of a trafficked victim over being in a foster home where "at any moment a man could walk in the room and start touching me and I had to call him dad." 

For this reason, it is my strong belief that the best action step the Church can take in the prevention of sex-trafficking in the U.S. today is for strong families to become foster and adoptive families. After all, what is the central message of the Gospel?  Love.  What does love do?  Restores.  Reconciles.  Sacrifices.  Heals.  Comforts. Provides for.  Protects.  James reminds us that "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..."  How are we doing, Church? 

Of course I don't pretend fostering is easy, and if your spouse isn't on board (yet) then don't do it (yet, but you can pray for a heart change...it happens).  Before you even think about fostering you need to examine yourself.  What are you hanging on to that needs to go?  What issues in your marriage need to be resolved before hosting a child?  My suggestion before you take steps toward adoption or fostering is seek out a personal and marriage therapist to work on things you've been unwilling to let go of or change.  You cannot help heal and restore ANYONE if you have not allowed God to work healing and restoration into your own life first.  

Okay, so you've examined yourself and you feel ready to start moving forward.  What next?  Ahhhhhh...yeah...the foster and adoption laws/process vary, sometimes dramatically, from state to state so here are my suggestions for getting the ball rolling:

1. Pray.  Always.  In everything, pray.
   
2. Start reading foster and adoptive parent blogs.  You will learn waaaaaaaaaaaay more from them than probably any other source. 
3. Find a good agency!  Your agency is everything.  I cannot stress this enough. I've had quite a number of friends foster in the last year and a half and it can be a HUGE headache if your agency doesn't have its act together.  So don't just settle on the first agency you find; do some research, talk to some other families who've used the agency/ies you're considering, and pray, pray, pray for direction.
4. Be real with what you can handle.  Special needs are special needs and we're not all special enough to handle them on a 24-hour basis.  There are many decisions to be made when bringing any child into your home, such as age, special needs, and longevity of the child's stay.  Above all, when considering these questions, BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND WITH YOUR SPOUSE.  You're not a bad person if you know you can't take on an autistic child (or ADHD, or HIV-positive child, etc.).  You're a much better person if you admit to what you can and cannot handle.  Parenting takes a lot, and fostering even more so.  It's no easy road; it is, however, much easier if you are honest from the beginning.
5. Get trained.  There are a lot of resources out there for foster and adoptive families.  A good agency will direct you toward some of them, but go on Amazon and buy books, do a Google search of trainings in your area, meet up with people who've already walked the road and can advise you.
6. Good luck!  You'll do fine.  Parenting of any kind is heartbreaking, difficult, risky, and will stretch you to your limits.  I came from an incredibly sheltered, homeschooled, conservative background and once we reached adulthood half the kids raised with me turned out to be dope-smoking, single-parent atheists.  Just saying...sewing your own seed and raising them in a box is not a guarantee they'll turn out how you like.  Parenting is not an issue of control...it's more like a grand experiment in trust.  Trust God.  He knows.